Life Lessons (Kubler-Ross and Kessler)
OVERVIEW
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler spent decades with dying people. Life Lessons offers what the dying had to teach – what had meaning, what people regretted, what they would have done differently. There are 14 lessons, and each lesson is framed from the perspective of death and dying. Kubler-Ross says unfinished business is the biggest problem in life. These lessons push us to finish our business now.
A quick note that while I knew this book wasn’t secular, I wasn’t prepared for all the references to god, the universe having a plan for you, everything happening for a reason, etc. This book was not written for atheists or nihilists. Take what you want and leave the rest.
Here’s the crux of each lesson:
· Give love to everyone, in every situation, and without condition. Focus on giving and not receiving.
· Who are you when you strip away all the roles and artifice? What about you transcends your circumstances? These contemplations help reveal your authenticity, and living an authentic life means living a rewarding life.
· Treat every moment with your loved ones like it could be your last; some day it will be the last hug, the last meal, the last vacation, the last smile. Cherish every relationship and source of love in your life.
· True power is found in grace, gratitude, strength, and integrity (not our position in life, wealth, or status).
· The remedy for guilt, self-judgement, and shame, is forgiveness and love.
· The problem is we think we have time, but time is never guaranteed. Don’t lose what the present moment has to offer being caught up in the past or future.
· Everyone and everything we love is just on loan to us. Loss fills us with sadness but it can also be an invitation to appreciation.
· “Our fears don’t stop death, they stop life,” and most fear is rooted in fear of death. We do ourselves a service by addressing our fear of death and bringing death awareness into living.
· Anger is trying to communicate something to you about your fears. Address fear and you address anger.
· Fun, laughter, and play make life worth living.
· At the end of life most folks say they wouldn’t trade any bad experience, because it made them who they are. You can afford to be patient and relax as life unfolds, no matter the circumstances.
· Contentment is found in surrender, in choosing to show up for this moment.
· “The dying often find a peace they lacked in life because dying is letting go; so is forgiving.” Peace is found in forgiveness.
· Happiness is a state of mind. We can cultivate it by choosing to see the best in everyone and in every situation.
WHAT NOW? (actions for mortal atheists)
The two chapters I found the most interesting were on fear and play.
Undercut the fear of death
The fear of not surviving is the core of most fears. It’s clear to see how this applies to fear of heights, or spiders and snakes, but it also applies to many of our other fears, whether they be financial, job-related, social, etc. Kubler-Ross and Kessler say that the dying often find freedom at end of life because they are forced to confront fear of death, and in doing so they are loosed from other fear. The dying have learned that fear doesn’t matter, and this is a source of profound joy. So, they say, practice doing the small things that you are afraid of doing, because your fears only hold power over you when not challenged. And if you can address the big fear, the fear of death, you’ll see global benefits. Confronting death anxiety may be one of the most potent self-improvement endeavours. As a final thought, fear always involves the past or the future, so reduce it by anchoring yourself in the present.
Play!
According to Life Lessons, the number one regret people have on their deathbed is “I wish I had not taken life so seriously.” (Read that twice!). The fondest memories, the ones that give our lives meaning when we look back, turn out to be memories of play. Going to the beach with your family, exploring the woods when you were a kid, laughing with your friends, swimming at the cottage. Many people work hard to “get ahead,” but to get ahead for what? To have more time to play? Play is what brings us pleasure; it’s our inner joy outwardly expressed. Kubler-Ross and Kessler offer that playing is our life force. It “keeps us young at heart, puts passion in our work, and helps our relationships thrive. It rejuvenates us. To play is to live life to its fullest.” And so, the ‘what now’ is that anything you have fun doing you should do more often. That’s how you lead a full life and die with fewer regrets.
IN SUM:
Is this book entirely secular? No. Lots of talk about god and divine purpose.
If you had to describe the book in one sentence? 14 lessons from the dying about how to live, but perhaps more diluted and unfocused than you’d prefer.
Who should read this book? Anyone looking for a semi-storytelling account of how to live, complete with more than a dash of mystical spirituality (if that’s your bag, you’ll like it).