The Five Invitations (Frank Ostaseski)
OVERVIEW
The subtitle of The Five Invitations is “Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully.” True to its name and its Buddhist author, The Five Invitations is an accessible repackaging of Buddhist teachings, bolstered by anecdotal stories from Ostaseski’s life including many from his time spent with hospice residents. Each parent chapter is dedicated to one of the five “invitations” to life, drawing on Ostaseski’s experience with death and dying. These are:
1. Don’t wait
2. Welcome everything, push away nothing
3. Bring your whole self to the experience
4. Find a place of rest in the middle of things
5. Cultivate don’t know mind
If you are a skeptic with little patience for Buddhist mysticism, or don’t jive even with the secular Buddhist teachings, approach with caution. You will also find that as you dive deeper into each invitation, they fundamentally overlap and at the core can be boiled down to frank Buddhist philosophy. Namely:
Only the present moment exists; be present
Everything is impermanent, change is inevitable
Once you recognize everything is impermanent and changing, you can stop grasping, clinging, avoiding, and resisting (all states that create suffering)
Everything is interdependent, nothing exists apart
Once you recognize that everything is interdependent and interconnected, compassion and loving kindness can manifest
Despite the Buddhist religiosity in The Five Invitations, there are plenty of secular nuggets to be found.
WHAT NOW? (actions for mortal atheists)
The Five Invitations was quite philosophical, so the flavour of these actions reflect that. A note that you may need to familiarize yourself with Buddhist philosophy to get the full effect (i.e. I’m not going to discuss what is meant by craving, aversion, mindfulness, etc.)
Overall action:
· Meditate, practice metta (loving kindness), practice non-judgmental attention, practice gratitude, practice forgiveness, practice presence
Don’t Wait
· Harness the awareness of death and impermanence to cultivate appreciation, clarify your values, let go of grudges, and generally stop wasting your time and energy on unimportant things. Do it now. And tomorrow. And every day. This is the only way to die without regret. Don’t miss this moment waiting for the next.
· More generally, embracing the truth that nothing is solid, secure, or permanent helps us savour moments, reflect on what has real value, live more simply, be more grateful. Everything is coming apart, all the time, not just at death. Embracing constant change prepares us for loss of every kind.
Welcome Everything, Push Away Nothing
· Practice openness, receptivity, acceptance; nothing is ever under our control, so learn how to flow. Be unhurried and without expectation. To welcome everything is an act of love, and so this helps to cultivate a heart of benevolence and friendliness.
· Turn towards suffering, or as I rather like, life’s ‘unsatisfactoriness.’ “An integral part of healing is letting go. But there is no letting go until there is letting in.” So let suffering in, hold it with love and attention, examine it with care. Turning towards suffering is practice for turning towards death, one of life’s most significant sufferings.
Bring Your Whole Self to the Experience
· Your inner critic will be there when you die too. Comparing, blaming, approving, etc. (ouch, hard truths from Ostaseski here). Bringing your whole self to the experience means opening to and examining your anger, fear, jealousy, etc. Where it comes from, what drives it. If you can examine these qualities thoughtfully, then you can hold your whole self and others with love.
· Working with the inner critic skillfully is an exercise in acceptance – acceptance and mindful presence with things that are dark and difficult. This then naturally extends to our ability to accept everything as it is – the things we can’t change, the things we wish were different, and ultimately acceptance of our death.
Find a Place of Rest in the Middle of Things
· You can find a place of rest within yourself, without having to alter any conditions (and thank goodness, because we are all subject to conditions beyond our control). “Rest is found when we are present instead of letting our minds wander aimlessly through the hallways of fear, worry, and anxiousness.” Those familiar with Buddhism will recognize the instruction to “rest in open awareness.”
· To find rest we must examine restlessness, caused by craving, aversion, and delusion. The antidote to all three is mindfulness. Use generosity and equanimity to temper craving. Use compassion to temper aversion. Use wisdom and clear comprehension to temper delusion. “Awareness itself is the ultimate resting place.”
Cultivate Don’t Know Mind
· “Don’t know mind is one characterized by curiosity, surprise, and wonder. It is receptive, ready to meet whatever shows up as it is.” “Don’t know mind is an invitation to enter life with fresh eyes, to empty our minds and open our hearts.” In essence, as above, be present and without expectation. Be curious. Because everything is always changing, there’s always the invitation to see things with fresh eyes.
· You must remain open and curious because as you age or face life-challenging illness, you will lose your ability to engage in your favourite activities. You will lose long cherished roles, as a husband/wife, as a provider, as a care giver, etc. Aging and dying is an exercise in accepting that everything changes and passes away. It’s a surrender. Cultivating don’t know mind allows you to let things go with grace, to appreciate what they are replaced with, and to soften around the grief of loss.
I am fascinated by the insights of people who have spent considerable time with those who are dying, and their grieving families. I’ll leave you with my favourite nugget of truth from Ostaseski, which is that almost everyone on their death bed wants to know that they are loved, and that they loved well. You likely suspected this, but here’s your confirmation. So go out and love people, and surround yourself with those who love you.
IN SUM
Is this book entirely secular? No
If you had to describe the book in one sentence? Core Buddhist teachings prepare us for life and death
Who should read this book? Those already (or prepared to be) convinced that the best way to live and die is by practicing Buddhist philosophy (similar to A Year to Live by Stephen Levine)