Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart (Gordon Livingston)
OVERVIEW
Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart (Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now) is a collection of 30 short essays by Gordon Livingston. Livingston is a psychiatrist and parent twice bereaved, and I picked up his book because it includes sections on suicide, aging, grieving, and facing our mortality. You’ll find lots of advice about relationships and child rearing too.
Each chapter is dedicated to one of Livingston’s thirty “true things.” Faves include “The problems of the elderly are frequently serious but seldom interesting” and “Only bad things happen quickly.” Most chapters also contain juicy sound bytes like “some ignorance is invincible.” Livingston also offers us this advice: “only by embracing mortality can we be happy in the time we have.” (I certainly hope so, otherwise what am I even doing here?)
Not all of Livingston’s life examples resonated with me, and some of the essays felt ever so slightly underbaked, but overall the book was very enjoyable and the points were salient. I think his most significant accomplishment is the thesis he repeatedly returns to: that most behaviour is not the product of rational thought, that to change behaviour we have to confront the machinations below our conscious awareness, and that changing behaviour is an incremental process, which takes determination and time.
WHAT NOW? (actions for mortal atheists)
There are lots of “what now”s you can pull from this book that have nothing to do with facing our mortality, but I’ll leave those for other folks to find. We’re interested with existentialist predicaments in this corner of the internet.
Write your own epitaph
This is an exercise Livingston recommends for his patients. It’s a perfect way to reflect on your life and to identify which aspects and roles you are most proud of. Use the outcomes of this contemplation to clarify what really matters to you and to live a more fulfilling life.
(To throw in a tidbit on happiness, Livingston says the three components of happiness are “something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to.”)
Start meditating
Livingston does not come right out and recommend meditation, but he does say that the older we get the more our contentedness relies on patience and making some peace with boredom. What better way to train for this than to sit quietly, doing nothing?
The elderly are often depressed. Seek help.
Chapter 12 is a brief but rich exploration of aging and how society treats the elderly. “What [society] fear[s] is our own demise, and indications of aging are simply unwanted reminders of our mortality. By rejecting old people and the signs of age in ourselves we are simply reacting to a natural fear of extinction that has preoccupied human beings forever.” In addition to being progressively more devalued and stigmatized by society, as we age we experience anticipatory grief, a very real sense of impending loss. Levingston notes it’s no wonder that elderly people are often depressed. Feelings of hopelessness and sadness are serious at any age. If you (or someone you love) are experiencing a loss of interest in life, or profound feelings of despair, seek help.
Don’t be deceived
Our culture is a cult of youth. Anti-aging serums and “Younger Next Year” diets are just a symptom of our fetish for youthfulness – the superficial ways that we try to hide the evidence of our mortality. According to Livingston, midlife crises are frequently triggered by the disillusionment of ever achieving immortality, as we slide into old age and the evidence of our inevitable demise becomes inescapable. What else is there to do then but to dispense with the illusion as soon as possible and save ourselves the suffering? Embrace uncertainty and loss of control. Embrace the wisdom that “life can be seen as a series of relinquishments, rehearsals for the final act of letting go.” Don’t take yourself too seriously.
IN SUM:
Is this book entirely secular? No, Livingston does betray that he hopes for heaven and an afterlife
If you had to describe the book in one sentence? All your many years of therapy condensed into 30 essays.
Who should read this book? Anyone considering psychoanalysis who wants to read the Coles notes version first, especially aging parents.