We All Know How This Ends (Anna Lyons and Louise Winter)
OVERVIEW
In my interview with Claudia Biçen we talked about her Thoughts in Passing, which was part of the London exhibition Life. Death. Whatever. Well, Anna Lyons and Louise Winter, the authors of “We All Know How This Ends,” created that exhibition! “We All Know How This Ends” is a collection of stories, advice, and thoughts from Lyons, an end-of-life doula, and Winter, a funeral director.
This book captures a community of voices, and it really does have something for everyone. Pulling from their own experience and the experiences of others, Lyons and Winter cover major ground: what it’s like to be terminally ill, to be diagnosed with dementia, Parkinson’s, or cancer; what to expect at a deathbed, what to ask a dying person, what CPR is really like; why funerals matter and how to arrange everything from cremations to burials, music, poetry, food, eulogies, and celebrants; what it’s like to work at a mortuary, perform a post-mortem examination; how to personalize a casket, and how to involve kids in the funeral. The section on grief includes many reflections from friends and colleagues that are intimate and relatable.
Lyons and Winter end with a section on Life & Living, exploring how living with death in mind can be both life-affirming and life-enhancing. They talk about living without regret, choosing a life you love, living authentically, and what death and dying can teach us about life and living.
Don’t wait for tomorrow, it might never come. Be generous. Be kind. Say sorry. Love with all your heart. Dare to dream.
Life is finite, and it’s yours for the taking. So live it. Every second of it.
What’s the worst that can happen? You can die?
You’re going to die anyway.
WHAT NOW? (actions for mortal atheists)
This book is full to the brim with actions and advice, but here are my faves.
Don’t delay
This advice comes from Kimberley St. John, a palliative care specialist nurse in London who died unexpectedly at the age of 32 but wrote this a year earlier as one of her “Five Things” she learned from nursing the dying. “Don’t delay anything that is important to you. I have known people to put off marriage, a special trip, making up with a relative. None of us know how much time we have. Use it wisely.” Kimberley’s widowed husband, Sam Lock, in turn offers that we should love openly and leave nothing unsaid. Tell people your feelings sincerely and often. Never take for granted what you have.
Do your death admin
Anna Lyons says: Write a will. Fill in an Advance Directive/Advance Decision (AKA a living will) to capture your medical treatment preferences in the event you can’t communicate them. If you don’t want CPR, sign a Do Not Attempt Resuscitation. Appoint a Lasting Power of Attorney, someone who is legally allowed to make decisions about your care if you’re unable to make them yourself. Put your digital affairs in order, including what you want to happen to your social media.
Plan your funeral, but don’t be too prescriptive
Louise Winter says, “leaving no instructions at all can be disconcerting for the people arranging your funeral, who may wonder if you wanted to be buried or cremated, but leaving detailed and prescriptive instructions can cause extra stress and prevent people from working out how they want to say goodbye to you.” Winter suggests creating a loose framework that leaves flexibility for the people arranging and attending the funeral. If you’re an atheist and you’d prefer a secular ceremony, leave clear instructions
(click here for how to write an atheist’s eulogy)
Remind yourself “this could be the last time”
It probably won’t be. But it could be. Lyons and Winter know it’s not as simple as live like you have no tomorrow (because you probably still need to go to work and do laundry), but I like how Winter puts it: “I can live each day, making decisions that won’t hurt the tomorrow I may or may not have, while also knowing that if I do die tomorrow, I won’t regret how I spent today.”
IN SUM:
Is this book entirely secular? No, but close. They do touch on spiritual/pastoral care at end of life, how you can bring religious ritual into a funeral service, and a few non-secular stories.
If you had to describe the book in one sentence? The most comprehensive and practical book on living, dying, death, grief, and funerals that you’re likely to find.
Who should read this book? Everybody.